06/01/25

NEW YEAR SAME ME, FUCK GETTING BETTER I AM GETTING WORSE

Recap for the past two weeks because I missed my last post in December (oops). Christmas was fine, my mom decided she doesn't like my partner but she can get over that. For Christmas I got three books and over 100 dollars in bookstore gift cards, so it's safe to say most people know I'm a massive dork. On Friday my friends and I went to a club for the first time in months and had a good time. My partner wanted to leave early so we did, but early was still around 1am. The next day was exhausting, so I drank coffee to compensate and felt god awful. It was such a miserable feeling, I started looking up my condition on the internet and concluded that the affliction was Gilbert's Syndrome, a chronic disorder that has been secretly impacting me my entire life.

New Years Eve was on Tuesday. For the previous three days I was unable to sleep, so by the time new years rolled around my exhaustion was unbearable and before the first fireworks could fire my mind was pulled into a deep slumber by the allure of a satisfactory couch. Sleeping makes me feel better, which is obvious, but it doesn't make it any easier. There is some tea on my counter which was purchased over the weekend: It is supposed to help me sleep. I am always skeptical, for a couple weeks I tried melatonin and all that happened was severe sleep paralysis. I have been depressed like usual, but I should be seeing a therapist for the first time this week and am actively trying to take care of myself so maybe that will improve my mental.

13/01/25

I've been going to sleep earlier and doing less, that is depression. On Friday I had my first therapist appointment, and it went well. The entire week leading up to the appointment I was super anxious, which is funny because managing anxiety was the main purpose of my appointment. The therapist was friendly and open to whatver I had to say. Since it was the first appointment, we only broke the ice and laid out potential goals for future sessions. Still, it was nice having somebody to vent to about my life.

Saturday my partner and I went to Austin on a day trip to visit some bookstores and shop local antique stores. It was a good time, but I felt bad about existing all weekend. My partner was really happy - my mind interpreted that as them being TOO happy, and so I couldn't shake the belief that they were faking their enjoyment the whole day. We had some vegan tacos from a food truck - an Austin staple. Like the rest of the city, they were overpriced and left a bad taste in our mouths.

02/12/24

Last week was Thanksgiving and it was another tough week, but this time I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Last week's blog post was depressing, and that vibe carried over into Thanksgiving week as well. I do not like the holidays, I am conditioned into anticipating awkward to outright hostile encounters because of past events, and judging from the response a lot of people online have to the holidays it would seem I am not alone with feeling this way. I went to two Thanksgiving celebrations: my dad's family had lunch and my mom's family had dinner. Surprisingly, neither celebration really went that bad. I was extra nervous this year because I started dating a wonderful person who happens to be Mexican and non-binary (we live in Texas and my family are white conservatives). There was one racist scene at the end of my family's Thanksgiving dinner where an uncle started talking about the border and blurted out some slurs, but we left right after that.

Yesterday I was happy for the first time in weeks, maybe months. I want to know why so I can keep feeling that way, but it is hard to pin down. I've been exercising the whole time, and I didn't eat any healthier this weekend really. If anything, the day before (Saturday) I had a panic attack and spent several hours in my home fighting against the throws of psychological distress. Maybe it was the fact that for the first time in a long time I had more than two consecutive days off of work. Who knows, hell I am trying to stop drinking coffee could be that.

Projects for this week include:
A lengthy book review for Karl Popper's part in the book, The Self and it's Brain: An Argument for Interactionism. A DnD campaign I am DMing for a coworker and their friends. Completing more of the study modules I bought.

09/12/24

A coworker wants me to host DnD since they've never played but are interested. I am excited working on the one-shot and I spent a lot of my time this week finisihng it before we play this Saturday. I've stopped studying for my test, it was exhausting and I was barely learning anything. I'm going to reevaluate my study process and start again later this week. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on finishing up the DnD campaign. I've also recently played a lot of Marvel Rivals and am silver right now, I'll try and get to gold by this month.

On Tuesday I saw Wicked with my partner and we thought was good. halfway into the film my partner leaned in and whispered in an annoyed tone, "another song?!" They wanted to see the musical and then were shocked that there was music. I had a hard time holding back my laughter because the theater was crowded.
On Saturday I went to two different office Christmas parties that were not for my office. The first party was for my partner's office around lunchtime, and the second party was at night for my friend's office. It was great to finally meet my partner's coworkers and see where they work, and the party at night was fun too. My friend drank too much and had to spend the night on our couch, and I woke up the next morning with a mild hangover.

Our apartment finally has some Christmas cheer: We put up a Christmas tree and hung up black and gold ornaments on Sunday! There are even a couple wrapped Christmas presents under the tree. Some are for family members, but one of the present's under the tree is for me :D I have something coming for my partner, but I don't know if it is enough. I am having a hard time gauging the expectation for gift quality because we are both poor this year and haven't even dated a full year, but it would never be my intention to give a bad gift. I'm planning on making something special, but I don't know what yet.

16/12/24

I finished making the DnD one-shot for my coworker. I originally had just planned on taking a premade from one of the official books, but of course I got carried away and made my own adventure. Almost all of my free-time last week went towards finishing it on time. Doing anything non-stop for over a week will inevitably exhaust me, but this was a project which left me fulfilled. I finished the project on time and was happy with the end result, which was exactly what I needed after a year-long struggle to meet project goals. The best part is that everybody I played with was really enjoying the experience, and asked me when we could play again. As a DM, this is the best thing you can hear because after a 3 hour session of dungeon-crawling and role-playing, the players will know whether or not this is something they want to continue wasting their time with. Also I discovered a program called "Obsidian" that is designed to help with note-taking and workflow organization. Obsidian has several community plugins available for free and made for TTRPGs, but it is also just useful for literature reviews, technical writing, etc. This week I was going to try using it to help organize study notes for my upcoming test - I am hopeful it will go well.

Aside from DnD, I had lunch with my sister and partner which was nice. We went to a tea shop and gossiped. At night, my friend held his birthday party at a korean karaoke place, but there were plenty of english songs to choose from. I'm unsure how this week is going to go. My partner's friend had one of their friends commit suicide, which is depressing. There was a visitation on Wednesday, which I don't want to go to. I didn't know this person that well, I maybe met them once. It's always awkward going to personal things like this and not knowing the person, I feel disrespectful just being there and pretending like I knew them. Obviously I am sad, but this malaise is felt with the general idea of suicide, not as a personal depression brought on by the loss of a friend. Christmas is soon, everything is going to become hectic. I hate the holidays.

23/12/24

Boy this year has been depressing. More than anything it has been my outlook towards everything, really nothing spectactularly bad has happened. Honestly, it has kind of been the opposite. I received my master's degree this year and started dating the love of my life, both of which are things people are quick to point out whenever I gripe. How could I be depressed, nothing sad has even happened. Everyone I know is still alive, I'm not homeless, and since my health issues the year prior I've been on the mend to full health. Taking a step back and viewing the world from a different apprach, things are going well. Unfortunately I am neurotic and compulsively obsessed with how the future could go and my inability to meet previously stated expectations. Every year I tell myself this will be the year I finish a project or find my true calling in life, hell maybe I'll buy a house. But every year I abandon a project and am trapped exactly where I was the year prior.

Well last week I recommitted myself to a diet, which I followed well enough. I had a slice of cake on Thursday and some candy Saturday, but other than that it has been going well. I've started collecting my communist notes in Obsidian and treating the program like a personalized wikipedia. My goal is to have a more sophisticated understanding of politics which can be translated to educational material. Whenever people push me on my beliefs, I struggle to explain them in part because I have a difficult time simplifying complex problems into quick sound-bites and also because I am not well-versed enough to provide a sufficient explanation.

I'm platinum in Marvel Rivals now. I've sat down and watched the first half of LoTR for what has probably been the 5th time in my life and still have not finished it. Christmas is next week, and I finished my partner's Christmas present. It is a drawing of Winnie the Pooh in a Christmas hat with a tree behind them and some snow. The drawing looks really basic and I'm nervous they won't like it, but Christmas is 2 days away and that is what I've got.

04/11/24

Last week was Halloween and it was the most anti-climatic Halloween I have ever had. My partner and I were invited to a ?holiday? party which was celebrated on Halloween but was also a Diwali and Dia de los Muertos celebration. The party fell through however because the host got strep throat, and honestly I am glad we didn't go. I do not like the host and don't know anything about the other two holidays. Nobody is Indian and the only person from Mexico that was going was my partner who didn't want to do a big celebration, so why would we do that? I don't know, but because the party fell through we didn't have any other plans and didn't make any. We spent the night watching old halloween cartoons and eating candy.

Over the weekend I went to a convention with friends and had fun being with them, but I really wasn't interested in the convention. The whole thing was a market for Pokemon cards and I don't collect them. My friend Bri had a birthday party that night which was fun, and then on Sunday I went antique shopping with my partner's family.

Last week I started a new daily schedule which involved me waking up two hours earlier than I normally would. Well if you want to know how that is going I'll tell you: not well.I am no longer waking up at 5am because that actually ended up reducing my productivity. Instead of waking up ready to work I would instead trip over myself trying to pour coffee just to stay up. Then in the afternoon, forget it! So I am now waking up at 6am and this is going much better. It still takes me a minute to start working in the morning, but I usually get 30 to 50 minutes of work done before I have to go to my job. Also, this new schedule doesn't leave me so drained in the afternoon that I don't want to do anything. This schedule should be the one I stick to, but we'll see just how well it does once I start studying for my licensure exam this week.

Lastly, I finished up a timeline of Skinner's life and posted it on my bearblog account. My goal was to combine the most important aspects of Skinner's life with the works that directly related to the ultimate focus of my study, which is to understand the conceptual framework Skinner adopted for understanding human psychology and how it compares to the frameworks developed by Chomsky and Minsky. That being said, while the timeline is published I will likely return to it because it is not as fleshed out as I would like it. Namely, the bibliography I included really only has his books and a couple of papers, so I would like to expand that. For now, my priority with the blog is completing Chomsky's timeline next, then Minsky, and then collecting a literature review of important papers with personal summaries and quotations I can come back to for future projects. After all this, hopefully I will be in a better position to compate and contrast their philosophies.

12/11/24

Last week were the elections, the candidate I didn't vote for won. I'm not surprised, a lot of the people in my immediate community were voting for Trump and everybody they knew around the nation was also voting Trump. The media is trying to play this off as if the results are shocking, and for some people it is, but most people I've talked to really aren't shocked by the results. Like everyone else in the country I have a lot of opinions, but I am hesitant to express them - unlike everyone else in the country! This is the summary of my feelings about the election results on a macro level (I won't discuss the logistics of how Harris' campaign repeated Hillary's strategy of failure or how the current sitting president had to drop-out for health reasons, although these are definitely important):

• The imperialist superstructure, in accordance with bourgeois democracy, produces two candidates which both abide by the status quo of capitulating to monopoly capital in spite of the working class' interests.
• the Democrat candidate, a liberal in support of the ravages of capitalism, could only give (unbelievable) promises of social equity and socially progressive ideals.
• Both parties, vowing support for the genocide in Gaza and the spread of western imperialism, dissuaded several potential voters from participating in the electoral process and continues to prove to the American working class (who aren't garbage or dumb, as some liberals are saying) that the entire process is a system of appeasement by the bourgeoisie to maintain their grasp on the superstructure of the nation.
• The Republican candidate, also a liberal in support of capitalism, appeals to the "national interest" of "neutrality" (the "national interest" are a collection of petit bourgeois ideals, "neutrality" is the absence of intervention against the status quo and thus complacency with the abuse of the working class; also this guy dickrides Israel and Russia as if each thrust will bring him a few more inches closer to feeling real emotions).
• The Republican candidate, as a populist with generally fascist policies (class collaboration, othering of minorities, nation-first over class-first mentality), naturally appeals to the "middle class" (petit-bourgeoisie) of America who feel represented by such ideals.

The rest of the week was pretty typical for me. I've started studying again and hate it just as much as I did the first time. I am the brokest I have ever been, my emergency savings went towards a dental emergency. I have held a vow since college that if I am ever put in a position where one job does not give me enough to pay for what I need - that I need to have two jobs - I will kill a politician.
Anyways, I've been looking for a weekend job.
In fairness, it is not just for financial pressure reasons but also because I want to pursue other lines of work related to my interests which are otherwise not being met at my current job. It's been a particularly stressful month, I can't shake the feeling that I am swimming against the tide and this struggle is making me weaker rather than stronger. I don't go to therapy, but I want to start soon...

Over the weekend my partner and I were invited to a night market where all proceeds went towards supporting Palestine. These sorts of events always leave us feeling terrible. The genocide in Gaza is horrific, and there isn't much we can do from America except donating to the cause and organizing in local politics. We've been invited to events like this before, and they always go the same way. A bunch of alternative college kids wanted to get together and eat beans or some shit, so they determine a cause they can circlejerk around as a 4 hour "discussion," and by the end of the night nothing has happend. There is no vanguard party where I live, the majority of people with "leftist views" are not even communist: they are anarcho-communist (anarchism with daddy issue characteristics)! It is good we support Palestine - we are at this event to support Palestine - but if we are unorganized and engage in sporadic direct action initiatives, how the hell are we supposed to liberate the proletariat against the well-oiled machine of imperialism? One of the people that invited us does improv, to them I would say that Palestine is important and one of the issues to be concerned with, but make sure to say, "yes and..."

18/11/24

My partner and I were supposed to go gardening Saturday morning, but I was up all night Friday because my brain is stupid and we ended up not going. Instead, we spent the day rearranging the apartment. It is still a work in progress, but I am becoming happier with the results. Maybe once we finish interior decorating I'll share a picture. Speaking of sharing pictures, check out these mushrooms!

I've tried to be diligent with exercising and eating healthy, which has led to me going on walks and being exposed to nature. People have commented on how muscular I've become and that I look healthier, but I still feel just as shitty mentally as I always do. I guess I am doing the right thing for my health, but if I don't feel any better than what's the point? I'd like to work in a mushroom farm cultivating reishi, boletes, shiitake - the works. I'd like to do a lot of things, but don't we all?

25/11/24

I'm now in the last week of November and feel completely depressed. If you've read some of my recent past entries, this shouldn't come as a surprise because I have not been secretive about my mental state. The past year has been one of my worst as far as my mental health despite loving a partner for the first time in years and finishing graduate school. Everything I have felt this year has culminated into an acute pain these past months. I am passionless: there is no joy in anything I do, my life is on autopilot. I am overwhelmed by everything and am helpless to do anything against the monumental task of existing.

How does anybody ever accomplish anything? When I started this website I was excited to learn html and css as I applied myself to the creation of my own corner of the internet. It was fun; I still have fun. But I just can not keep up with everything: For 8 hours a day I work; when I get home I have to study for my exam for at least 2 hours, but I can't study for 2 hours straight without killing myself, so this is interrupted by 15 - 20 minute breaks; I work out most days for an hour; I make dinner and shower for an hour; I spend time with the person I love for at least an hour, maybe 2; it is now almost 11 and I am too tired to do anything more. Where did my fucking time go?! Working out, studying, loving: These are all things I need to be or should be doing, I can't cut them out from my life and yet when they all happen together continuously day in and day fucking out... I just don't even feel like I have a life worth living.

This week I prioritized completing a new study tool to help with my exam, so it was a boring week. I went to a friendsgiving on Saturday but was unable to enjoy myself. I even drank to try and make myself comfortable, which didn't work. I don't know why I thought it would - alcohol is disagreeable with my constitution. This upcoming week is Thanksgiving, which I'm sure will go terribly. My nuclear family is dysfunctional and conservative.

2/10/24

It has been a little over a week since I've posted to this blog, I wish I could say all is well but it isn't. I failed my certification exam, and I am feeling completely distraught right now. Truthfully, the passion I should possess for this field is non-existent - it barely existed to begin with. There are several things I see in the field as being blatantly incorrect, but the dogmatism surrounding this "science" is strong. So strong that it feels like there is no room for criticism, which is TOTALLY healthy for any philosophy. Right now I am questioning the direction my life should take.
One option is I can retake the exam after 2 more fucking months of studying and continue working for this private clinic I have been working at for a number of years. The perks of this would be that I am comfortable, and I have reason to believe that the hours would become more relaxed and my pay would improve. The downside would be that I dread going to work and am generally miserable by the end of the day.
The other option is I find another job more closely aligned with my personal interests and pursue that career. for this choice the perks would be that I could be happier in a career more aligned with my goals. The downsides are that I would likely have less time for personal leisure, my pay would stay the same, and the chance of me being happier is not guranteed. Logically, the second choice sounds like the wrong one and I should instead stick to the first choice of staying with my company. But the fact that I am considering the move all clearly indicates my dissatisfaction with my current situation. I guess I'll talk to my boss. There is a secret third option, which is that all work fucking sucks and if I am coerced into work through financial pressures like paying for food, utilities, and rent, then why would I expect to be happy anywhere? I might as well say to hell with everything, buy a van, and become a nomad.

on a ligher note, I started reading "The Society of Mind," by Marvin Minsky. I read the book in college right when I was starting to delve into the study of the mind, so I remembered the book being a huge influence on my views in neuroscience. That being said, I couldn't remember anything from what I read and at the time I didn't take notes so there was no way for me to recollect my thoughts except for rereading it. I've got to say, so far I am not enjoying it. The book hinges on a lot of mentalistic language and metaphors drawn from introspection rather than observation of real neurological phenomena. I'm going to continue reading it - I am only on chapter 4 - but so far I am a lot less impressed by it. I guess this just shows how I've changed over the years, or maybe the book is better when you are less cynical and can take in the pseudo-explanations for psychological processes.

I guess I have a lot to think about today, this has to be one of my longer entries.
The current state of the website: OK.
The general design of the website is acceptable, there are a couple of things I would like to change: the background for my portal page doesn't completely match the aesthetic of what I am leaning into for the rest of the site; My homepage needs to be redesigned so the buttons look less bland and all my pages are included and accessible; colors for some tables and various graphics throughout the website need to be adjusted to my current color pallette; some pages are not adjusted to fit various screen sizes. As for the content of the website, it is admittedly pretty bare. The framework for where content will go is pretty much there, but the actually content is non-existent. I think it is because I have set lofty goals for a lot of my projects, especially the brain science blog. My first entry was supposed to be about consciousness and what my views are over the topic, but I've barely started. Something I realized a couple months ago is that I have not written something out of passion for possibly over a half a decade. At some point, rather than writing short stories and personal write-ups, I instead began to collect snippits of ideas in my phone's notes app and dedicate more time to school assignments which were of course never personally fulfilling. Consequently, I am experiencing writer's block. I say as I proceed to type the longest journal entry yet.

13/10/24

This is the second week of October huh? Where I live, it hasn't even really gotten cold yet. I like fall and fall weather, but it's still so hot out. Some of the trees have lost leaves, but my walks feel more like a struggle through the wasteland than an autumn stroll.

What has happened since the last week? last weekend I watched "Megaopolis" with my partner and we walked out halfway through, it was that bad. We considered asking for a refund, but ultimately didn't. In two words: pretentious, stupid. That isn't a very controversial film opinion to have, so here's one: I got bored watching "2001: A Space Odyssey," and it doesn't hold up. A lot of this week has been wasted watching bad movies now that I think about it. We had planned to go see the new Joker movie, but after our "Megaopolis" experience we decided to save our money.

In my free time I've prioritized writings for the blog, hopefully an entry will be done by the end of the month. I am also in the middle of creating a background for the pop culture page. Things take time, how does anyone ever finish anything?

28/10/24

This is the longest stretch of time I've gone without making a journal post, woopsies. I really meant to, but I guess I forgot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's been two weeks since my last update, but I guess the header should stay as week 3...
A lot has happened since the last post, like my birthday! I am now 26 years old and am the same as I ever was. Birthdays are always treated as this monumentous occassion, like it's some kind of achievement to go around the sun. Truthfully, I hate my birthday because it gives me anxiety - I spent the whole day depressed reflecting on yet another year where no projects were completed. I guess A lot of good things have happened this year. For example, I graduated from my master's program and am now dating the love of my life - two things which should make me happy, and do, but I have been fixated on producing art or prevalent literature since I was 20 and nothing has really come from that. My main motivation for starting this website really was this struggle to produce a meaningful project. Just thinking about my creative constipation is upsetting me.

On the bright side, I got to do something this last Saturday which I've wanted to do for quite some time now. I went to a community garden and helped plant some crops! the whole thing took maybe 3ish hours and by the time everything was all said and done we had planted onions, carrots, beats, sweet potato, and collared greens. Between tilling the soil, mixing the compost in the dirt, and planting the seeds I was damn sore. Later that same day, I went to a halloween party, which was fun but I was nervous the whole time because there were a lot of people I didn't know. Everyone ended up being cool.

My larger writing goal right now is too complete a cross-analysis of the conceptual frameworks adopted by Skinner, Chomsky, and Minsky to explain traditional psychology questions in new lights (for their time). It is a lot to write about and if I want to do it right I need to take my time with it and collect the proper facts and citations. So I've broken up the work into an outline of what topics I want to discuss and a background of each professor to help explain how they reached their conclusions. Skinner is the first one I am writing a brief biography for since I know the most about him. Did you know Skinner maintained the same daily schedule from his time as a bachelor in college all the way until his death? He would wake up at 5am and write until 7am so he could get ready for work. When he got home around 4pm, Skinner would do little work and spend his afternoon on leisure activities or with family. Today was the first day I tried to adopt this schedule, and let me tell you I am fucking exhausted. Waking up 2 hours earlier than I normally would is really making my work day a slog. I'm supposed to start studying again for my second attempt at my license exam which is what motivated my adoption. I just don't have enough time after work to study comfortably. Will see if I can commit to this schedule, check back into my next post for an update on how this is going.

7/9/24

This is the first entry of my personal blog! My blog will act as a recollection for what I did in the week and what I would like to be doing in the future. So, what have done this week? Well, on Saturday I went to an anime convention with some friends and cosplayed as Gambit from X-men 97, the scene where he is wearing a crop top. I was nervous about going because I'm not confident in my physical appearance, but I think it turned out pretty good so I'm glad I did it!
On Sunday, I saw the new Alien movie and absolutely adored the world-building. I didn't know Ridley Scott did both Bladerunner and Alien, but man do they both have a cool sci-fi dystopian aesthetic.
The rest of my week has been uninteresting: I didn't do anything on Labor Day, work is as annoying as usual, and studying for my licensure exam has been tedious. It has been 2 weeks since I updated this site, which is longer than I wanted, but as previously mentioned I have been studying for a major exam, so most of my time has gone towards that. I take the exam on the 30th, so hopefully by next month I'll never have to write about it ever again and can focus my full attention on projects I genuinely care about.

13/9/24

Second week of the blog, so far so consistent. What happened this week? Well, on Saturday I went outside and took some photos of mushrooms. I've been a mycology enthusiast for some time now, but I've never foraged for edible species because I am terrified of food poisoning. It is a goal for me to one day find and cook some yummy floor mushrooms, but my classification skills are amateur. So I went out the morning after a storm to take photos of various species and identify them. Here are some of the best pictures!

I didn't do much else on the weekend other than work on this website some more and play videogames. I've been meaning to do my first write-up on the neuroscience blog over the concept of consciousness and the various theories to understand it, but I've been encouraged by my partner to focus more on studying for my licensing exam. This is probably the correct thing to do, but studying all the time for tests is exhausting, y'know? It doesn't feel rewarding because most of the study time is focused on how to answer questions and tricks to memorize arbitrary items that will appear maybe once. That's how it always is for tests. If I pursue a PHD, just know I am completely lost in life and you can do what Pol Pot would have done.

21/9/24

This week was stressful. Over the weekend I saw the new Beetleguise film, that was good. I didn't perform as well on a mock exam as I wanted to, that was bad. Most of my time has been spent feeling anxious about my test, and then procrastinating with other activities because I don't want to study. I should probably go study.